"The Pillowman"

I was selected to cast in the 'Pillowman' performance. The Pillowman is a performance created by Chris. The play is about Depression, Stress, Suicide and monologues. In a way telling the Pillowman the story of what happened to them and how they are in the position that they are in now. What is casing the stress to them? What do they do about it? Is their family supportive? etc..

When Chris gave us the script I annotated my scenes with him, and made sure I knew what I was doing and saying when I was saying my lines. I didn't want to just learn the lines, I wanted to know the meaning behind the words, what they mean to the person that's stressed and depressed. Its a bit harder to act like that when its never happened to you in person in real life. Therefore I had to look in depth and know the expressions of the actual words and what they actually mean.

Chris and I had a discussion about my character, my character is called 'Dilan Ibra'. I appear in scene 4 with Pillowman and Dilan's Dad. In the play I explain how I got to the position where I'm right now. I talk about how I get bullied in school  by other students, especially Jonah and his friends, well, his puppies, they follow him wherever he goes. Jonah was the one who started everything. The second time he tried to take my sandwich, I stood up for myself thinking that if I beat him down Ill gain respect and he will stop. But NO. Unfortunately he was better than me. Well 'm not a fighter. Ever since then I've never been able to bring him down or do anything about it. Since then he started bulling me, him and his friends. I would always go home with a bruise on my face or a black eye.

My dad would never support me or help me in any of my needs. If I came home with a black eye or a bruised face, he would shout at me, he would start punching, kicking and push me. He would never help me at all. All he would say is 'you useless shit'. I don't remember the last time my dad ever smiled at me or hugged me or anything. All I remember from him is, his punches and kicks on me. I have never had a peaceful day. Just one. I've never experienced to be happy with your parents. I wish I never existed. There no reason for me to be alive.

We then wrote our characters name in the middle of that page, and write everything about him around it. It was like a spider diagram. I wrote what I knew and what I learned from what Chris wrote about Dilan. In the beginning Chris told me what my character wanted me to be depressed about or why should it be depressed and feel like committing suicide.

In the Spider Diagram as shown in the picture, I wrote anything about Dilan IBRA.

"Dilan feels depressed throughout the whole play" - he never changes moods with Pillowman, he feels stressed and depressed throughout till he dies.

"He had enough of everything" - Dilan has had enough, he always gets bullied and gets treated really bad at home by his parents. His not wanted in the family.

"His only wish is for his parents to never hit him and for them to respect him" - he never got respect by his dad, his dads always drunk, and every time he sees Dilan at home he'd hit him for no reason.

"He's always bruised or with a black eye" - his dad always beats him up for no reason.

"He tries his best to fake a smile" - Dilan doesn't know how it feels to express your smile. He has never smiled for real. He would always fake it and pretend everything's fine.

We  then were told to write a day in the life on Dilan. So, write a day of Dilan's experience in school and at home. How he is treated and what he goes through, as its written in the picture.

At the end of the page, I've not been able to complete it all.

"From the first time we had a fight"

Ever since then, I've always been scared of him and been scared to talk to him. He's always bullied me throughout the two years that I've known him. I cannot even change school because my parents don't even care about me. My dad injures me and bruises me more than Jonah and his friends.

When I saw Jonah again he came up to me and said "What you looking at" and as I was eating my sandwich he kicked it out of my hands. They all started laughing at me, I went to pick my sandwich up, and he pushed me on the flood. They carried on laughing and started calling me names "loser, loser" "look at the nerd on the floor" and things like that. Then I finally heard the school bell ring and they started walking towards their classes. I picked up my sandwich and wrapped it around my plastic bag and I put it in my bag. I make my way to my class, and on the side there's these kids from the window laughing at me and pointing at me and swearing. I tried my hardest to fake a smile and pretend as if everything is fine. I was eating my self inside and wanted to started bursting our crying.